The second instalment of American Horror Story: Apocalypse opens with typical horror film tropes. The damsel in distress, Emily, is wandering her candlelit room whilst hearing various noises and other things that go bump in the night. It appears that Outpost 3 has a reptile problem as serpents fall from the ceiling and begin to fill the room. As Timothy and Emily scream and panic, our resident Miss Trunchbull takes care of the situation, claiming that the pair aren’t showing any signs of contamination.
At another signature dinner, the opulent Wilhemina Venable serves a series of ‘delicacies’ in a deranged sort of Bushtucker Trial, with the first course involving Timothy and Emily’s ceiling snakes. Remaining true to her character, Evie (Joan Collins), notes how snakes are, despite popular opinion, an enjoyable meal. If the situation felt like it couldn’t get any more disgusting, the once dead reptiles begin to slither from the soup and across the table. Dinner time at Outpost 3 seems to be less Downton Abbey and more of a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party.
Langdon makes his entrance to explain the current situation outside the relative comfort of the outpost. With all the other bunkers overrun, the occupants’ only hope is to be selected to be saved at the sanctuary. Of course, the decision is up to Langdon and his ‘tests’, which are unlikely to involve multiple choice. Coco (Leslie Grossman) has a moment of realisation when she interrupts Langdon to exclaim, “Is this The Hunger Games?” If the guests in question aren’t chosen, it doesn’t have to mean slithering snakes and cannibals, for Langdon offers them his bottle of ‘happy pills’ – probably a questionable choice considering the name.
After dinner, twenty questions with the Langdon kicks off with an eager Mr Gallant (Evan Peters). Langdon asks Gallant about his sexual orientation, to which we receive the lengthy story of how he became out and proud, but is still more than prepared to have sex with a woman to save humankind. We do however learn that Mr Gallant resents his grandmother for meddling in his love life.
Cut to a flashback: Evie is holding what Gallant cynically describes as “the homo version of the bachelor”. Having had enough of her matchmaking abilities, Gallant dons a gas mask and rebels against her enforced conformity. This leaves Langdon with one simple question, one that every sane person on this planet would gulp at: ”So you like leather?”
Back at the network show, ‘Teen Bunker Love Story,’ Emily tells Timothy that they should run away together and face the unknown outside. They’ve cottoned on to Langon’s strange behaviour – though stand little chance of success if his namesake (the Antichrist) is true.
This season has felt like a giant homecoming, and now another lovely character is reintroduced. Of course, I joke. It’s the Rubber Man. And as Gallant pleasures himself to the thought of Langdon, the door open opens and there ‘he’ is.
In all this time his rubber hasn’t aged a day and we can’t help but suspect that it may be Langdon walking in his father’s footsteps. Despite the unfolding events feeling fairly obvious, I can’t be the only person that finds it weird that Evan Peters once wore that gimp suit to produce Langdon, and now Langdon is wearing it to have sex with Gallant. A bit of a mouthful, in more ways than one.
Blood may be thicker than water, but apparently, Joan Collins wishes to stay hydrated in the apocalypse. Evie shamelessly snitches on her grandson for breaking one of Venable’s most important rules. Meanwhile, Timothy and Emily go snooping on what seems to be the only MacBook left in existence.
You can always leave it to AHS to fuck up a night’s sleep.
We haven’t seen much of Venable this episode but after her run-in with Langdon, we doubt she will be on our screens much longer. When proposing different candidates to be saved at the sanctuary, Venable throws the best shade since season ten of Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Calling Coco, a “vacuous abomination of inbreeding”, which must be one of the best lines of the episode. It seems however that Langdon is not interested in Coco, but instead with the mistress of the house herself. He demands she take off her dress and show him that which ‘greatly shames her’, namely the bruises and boils on her back. Unfortunately, after all that intimate touching Venable has still failed the test. Miss Trunchbull and Venable believe Langdon and the hairdresser are up to something, and they intend to find out what. During the questioning/whipping of Mr Gallant, it is quickly apparent to the dominatrix that he is, in fact, enjoying it, which I guess was not their initial intent.
A now angry and sexually frustrated Mr Gallant demands answers from Langdon who quips, “I wouldn’t fuck you if you were the last man on earth, and you nearly are”. This begs the question, if it wasn’t Langdon in the gimp suit, then who? In the cocktail room, the oldest argument in history continues: are old or young people better? The room quickly falls to silence however when a spurned Gallant accuses his grandmother of turning him in.
Timothy and Emily’s sexual tension finally boils over when they learn the rules are false. There is a peeping tom during the whole consummation – better described as a peeping gimp. As we reach the conclusion of the episode we are treated to the second instalment of Gallant and the gimp. After some minor foreplay, Gallant stabs what he still thinks is Langdon for sexually shaming him earlier on. With blood spattered across his skin, Gallant turns to see Langdon in the doorway. What was the gimp is now the body of his grandmother? Call the police, a national treasure has been killed – R.I.P. Joan Collins.
— José (@DJYoshi28) September 21, 2018
Modern-day Troy and Gabriella are about to be killed for finally giving in to their sexual desires when Timothy manages to knock out the guard and shoot Miriam in the stomach. What could have been just a normal shooting, turned out to be one of the most disturbing moments in the episode. As she lifted her top to inspect her wound, what should have been normal skin and blood was replaced by… well, it’s hard to say. The blood was white and cream-like and there was something moving inside her. You can always leave it to AHS to fuck up a night’s sleep.
Despite this episode being slower than the first, it was instrumental in building the needs and wants of the main characters. It mirrored an episode of Big Brother at the time, with the constant monitoring of normal conversations of people imprisoned in a house. With Big Brother’s cancellation this year, perhaps AHS will become the reality show’s twisted replacement?
However, we are two episodes in now and we are still waiting for our witches to return. I need some Madison Montgomery in my life. I am sure we are all hoping they will be key characters in the season and not just side characters used to tie in holes in the plot.
Quote Of The Week:
“I wouldn’t fuck you even if you were the last man on earth, which you nearly are” comes from our Britney Spears impersonator, the Antichrist, who would win any reading competition in history. Praying to Satan himself that the rest of the season is just as shady.
Most Oh Ma Gawd Moment Of The Week:
Finding out Ms Trunchball is not as human as we thought must be the biggest shocker. The rest of the episode was fairly mild on the jaw-dropping moments but this one ended the chapter perfectly.
The Character Of The Week:
Mr Gallant, whose diva moments sprang from our screens this week, must be the shining star of episode two. After a brief yet steamy encounter with Langdon, he just can’t get him out of his head. Don’t worry Gallant, we can’t either.
If They Were The Last Person On Earth:
Without sounding like a cradle snatcher, Timothy had it all going on this week. He is quite literally the boy next door who you want to bring home to Mummy and Daddy. Oh, and how could we forget how nice and tight that underwear was. #ThirstforTimothy.
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If you haven’t read our review of the first episode of the season, click here!