The day we have been waiting for has finally arrived; a glimmer of hope among the falling ashes of the apocalypse. Of course, I am talking about the arrival of our favourite coven. Besides our girls from the Witches of Eastwick that is. So many questions are left to be answered, and with each episode, we are driven deeper into the sick and twisted mind of Ryan Murphy.
We are treated, in the final moments of the episode, to the familiar faces of Cordelia (Sarah Paulson), Madison (Emma Roberts) and fashion ICON Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy). But before the show-stopping ending we had all been hoping for, there are some important developments inside Outpost Three. The episode picks up right where the previous ended, with Michael Langdon’s own twisted game show of questions and answers. He opens up a little to describe how he has the innate ability to see into the “dark places people try desperately to keep hidden”. Thank God I am not in the bunker otherwise he would discover my low-key addiction to scented candles!
Satanic rituals don’t work unless you sound like a lifelong smoker.
Next on his hit list is personal assistant Mallory who seems rather confused by what Langdon is expecting to find. The most horrifying thing, of course, is not looming death but Mallory’s ‘Cindy Lou’ topknot. As Langdon peels away the deepest desires Mallory hides, things take an ever-familiar turn for the worst because he just doesn’t understand personal space. In a scene, which would send the #Metoo twitter followers into a blind rage, Mallory screams let me go for what seems like the hundredth time. Only, as the pitch changes in her voice, Langdon is thrown across the room straight onto his ass (ha, feminism). Before you can so much as blink, Langdon shows his true demonic face that seems vaguely resonant of my own face after Freshers’. Mallory clearly possesses some supernatural abilities as the room is engulfed into flames.
After the opening credits, we finally get to see Langdon without a shirt on, something I can finally tick off my AHS bucket list. Next stop, Venable with her hair down. The satanic ritual he is performing confirms our suspicions that he is the antichrist, especially as snakes begin to crawl from the blood on the floor. Right on queue, his voice deepens and he speaks in Latin – because satanic rituals don’t work unless you sound like a lifelong smoker.
Miriam Meade tells Venable about her life in a spectacular montage only depicting various Halloweens throughout her life. Afterwards, we learn that Meade is, in fact, a robot of some kind, sworn to protect and serve Venable at all costs. As much as the scene shed some light on the ending of episode two, I can’t help feeling the discovery of her true self, was a little rushed. Because if I discovered a creamy liquid inside me and accompanying foreign parts, I would not automatically assume I was an android. Nonetheless, Venable decides the only way for them both to survive is to off everyone else, Satan included. They say three things would survive an apocalypse: cockroaches, Cher and delivery service Just Eat. The latter seems true as the compound receives the shiniest red apples in a mysterious horse-drawn cart. This is when their plan forms, to poison the apples in a bid to kill everyone and then use Langdon’s computer to locate the sanctuary for themselves.
Venable and Mrs Trunchball decide to throw a Halloween party where the bobbing apples are spiked with something a little more potent than tequila. Using the snake venom drawn from their apparent abundance of snakes, the pair poison the gifts sent from the Sanctuary.
“Surprise bitch, I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me”
Throughout the episode, we have been treated to snippets of Brock (Billy Eichner) making his triumphant return. He somehow survived the immediate blast, as I said he would, and is now seeking his love, Coco. Brock stowed away on the apple express cart and is now dressed in a masquerade Halloween costume. As the party continues Coco believes she is dancing with Langdon, unfortunately for her, the man who looks like a Princess Diaries extra is not in attendance. After suggesting some very vivid sexual acts, some of which cannot be published, Coco takes ‘Langdon’ to her room. With Brock now unmasked and Coco trying not to vomit at her cancer-ridden boyfriend, Brock does what any boyfriend would do next. He confesses his admiration for her and they make love. Only joking. He stabs her in the head.
Venable is hosting the best party in history downstairs, having all the attendees collecting their apples from buckets of water. After they begin to dig in, it’s only seconds before the convulsions, vomiting and bleeding kick in. So, it’s episode three and they’ve already killed off all the characters bar three, although Langdon seems to be next. As Venable instructs her lapdog to shoot the butch Cinderella lookalike, there is an air of awkwardness in the room. After a few brief moments of animosity between the trio, Meade shoots Venable once in the chest. I guess my dream of seeing her hair down just isn’t going to be realised. Just as Miss Trunchball snowballs into a confused panic; Langdon explains he modelled her on someone very dear to him as a child. We can assume this is his grandmother, Constance Langdon (Jessica Lange). Lange has been cast as the chirpy character from Murder House and is set to make her appearance around episode five.
As the episode begins to end the camera pans over the massacre downstairs, with vomit and blood coating the floor as the bodies lay motionless. The whole ordeal was very reminiscent of high school parties, and I was just waiting for someone to be passed out in a bathtub. As the music changes, we are shown the entrance to the compound. Three hooded figures approach. It’s our witches from season three, all dressed in their signature black hooded gowns. The only pop of colour is the blistering red of Myrtle Snow’s fiery hair. Once inside the reigning supreme speaks only three words, “Find our sisters!”. Once all the bodies have been collected, Cordelia reanimates them, something she mastered all the way back in AHS: Coven. The episode is finished with an evocative phrase used in memes ever since it left Madison’s lips all those years ago. As she leans over Mallory she smirks, eventually saying, “Surprise bitch, I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me”.
Quote of the Week-
This week Coco wins with her, “I warn you now, I have a short tongue and a sensitive gag reflex”. This was guaranteed to make even the most prudish of you giggle, although you probably wouldn’t be watching AHS if you were a prude.
Most Oh ma Gawd Moment of the Week-
Langdon’s satanic ritual was both horrifying and sensual at the same time. AHS has the ability to make even the darkest moments seem inherently soft, to draw out our own darkest thoughts and desires.
The Character of the Week-
This week we delve a little deeper into Mallory and her motivations. Before, she had been a simple assistant/slave, and now we learn she is a witch. Billie Lourd’s performance was gritty and emotional and can almost make you forget about that terrible updo.
If They Were the Last Person on Earth-
It would be so easy to name Langdon the heartthrob each week, but in the spirit of fairness, I have selected Flashback Miriam Meade. An unusual one yes, but as she was kicking the hell into the terrorist there was something almost dance-like about it. In fact, she called the fight a ‘waltz’ herself. We at FARID love a strong woman, and there is no one stronger than our resident robot.
So now with half of the cast dead and three alumni making a triumphant return, we want to hear what characters you’re looking forward to seeing again! Tweet us @faridthezine or comment below with your most anticipated appearance.