This week’s American Horror Story begins with queen bee, Cordelia Fox, awakening in a hellish landscape straight out of the Resident Evil franchise. In the rubble lies the plaque for her beloved school and her sister witches are nowhere to be seen. After calling out for her students, shrouded figures begin to approach her and it is clear they aren’t there to ask for an autograph. Cordelia is suffering from some serious stage-fright as she thrusts out her hands and nothing happens. As the creatively named “White Faced Man” chuckles in the background, Cordelia’s throat is ripped out by ravenous cannibals. We are now on episode five and the piercing screams of the Supreme only touch on the malevolence of the instalment.
Cordelia returns from her nightmare to be greeted by her fallen sisters and a grouchy Madison, who complains she didn’t call out for her during the vision. All the magic users, warlocks and all, are gathered so that the Supreme may convey her visions with uncertain generalisations. Cordelia continues with an awful lot of “I believe” while relying on her status as Supreme to back up her ideas. But, as we know, she isn’t wrong! In a sudden twist, Cordelia decides to allow Langdon to undertake the Seven Wonders- much to Myrtle’s annoyance.
Back at our favourite academy, Myrtle is still persistent on the idea that “men make terrible leaders”. In what must be the best metaphor of the season, she compares Attila the Hun to Mark Zuckerburg. It is clear now Cordelia’s powers are beginning to fade, but unlike her mother, she intends to go gracefully but hopefully with just as much class. Auntie Myrtle insists on taking a deeper look at Mallory who had just reversed the wounds of a deer, something that shocks both the ginger witch and her superior.
As the men celebrate their potential ascension to ‘divadom’ John catches a glimpse of Langdon’s true face. He decides to warn the coven of the demon but only makes it to the gas station, where we know nothing good ever happens. He isn’t even able to buy snacks for the journey before Miriam Meade cuts him up and sets his already smoking-hot ass on fire. Mrs Trunchball reunites with her favourite demonic son and an ever-eager Ariel to set their plan in motion. Their plan is literally letting Langdon do all the work while Ariel continues to moan about women being superior. Shock!
We may have lost Joan Collins so early but now we have Stevie Nicks, who I hope does not get viciously murdered by her grandson.
The season’s Seven Wonders are presented as a silent film and yet you can still almost hear the warlocks cheering in the corner. On the last test, Descensum, Cordelia throws in a curveball and asks Langdon to retrieve our favourite shawl spinner, Misty Day. Cue Ariel being a sad little man once again as he pulls the Supreme to the side. After some rather fiery back and forth, Cordelia reminds him that he is just a pathetic warlock with no real power. #Feminism. Langdon successfully visits Misty where she has been repeatedly killing and reviving a frog in biology class for five years. My personal hell would be very different. On a side note: I am trying to do Langdon for Halloween and my eyeshadow looks more like pink eye.
The whole scene was very extra as instead of just rescuing Misty, he slaughters the teacher in the exact way he instructed the frog to be killed. Props to the costume department for some ‘hella’ realistic entrails. Then, sleeping beauty (Langdon) wakes up, reforming Misty from the dust. With her coven’s inner circle finally reformed, Cordelia reveals she is simply preparing to take Langdon down. Misty discloses that Langdon stinks of death, which is funny because I always dreamt he smelt of sandalwood and tobacco. It wouldn’t be a Misty Day homecoming without a visit from white witch Stevie Nicks who slings the doors open to begin her performance of ‘Gypsy’. We may have lost Joan Collins so early but now we have Stevie Nicks, who I hope does not get viciously murdered by her grandson.
As Stevie provides the perfect distraction, the Supreme conspires with bad girl Madison about digging up dirt on Langdon. Episode six, directed by Sarah Paulson herself, will take us back to Murder House! Which means, finally, after six episodes Jessica Lange will make her triumphant, and no doubt Oscar-winning return.
— AmericanHorrorStory (@AHSFX) 12 October 2018
Quote Of The Episode:
Next time someone spills a drink on me in a club I intend to calmly read Cordelia’s speech word for word. She needs to pay Theresa May a visit because that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you capture a room.
The Character Of The Episode:
Tonight, was the Cordelia show and she took to that spotlight like a moth to, well, a spotlight. Her bitter argument with Ariel displayed exactly what being the Supreme means, not taking no
shit from some punk Harry Potter wannabe.
Most Oh Ma Gawd Moment:
If you follow AHS on Instagram, why wouldn’t you be, you will know Stevie was returning to the show. However, the entrance and song alone were enough to make me want a spinoff completely dedicated to her white witchery. Give me a call Ryan Murphy!
If They Were The Last Person On Earth:
Hell can’t be that bad because Misty is still just as charismatic as ever. Although she isn’t up for fighting, I need some spinning before she no doubt meets her inevitable end.