AHS: Return to Murder House – “The bitch is back”

The recipe for the cocktail “Greatest episode ever” is as follows:

  •    One dose of acting supreme turned director
  •    One drop of a returning acting powerhouse
  •    One teaspoon of haunting nightmares
  •    And a splash of Satanism for flavour

Episode six of American Horror Story is directed by none other than recurring actress Sarah Paulson. Not only was it her debut as the director but it was also the episode where our Queen Jessica Lange makes her AHS comeback. This episode was a homecoming in more ways than one as we return to where it all began, Murder House!

Madison (Emma Roberts) continues to be our style icon of the season as she exits a car with her Warlock Comrade Behold (Billy Porter). After the most awkward sales pitch ever from a less than enthusiastic estate agent, Madison and Behold decide to purchase the murder house. The duo’s dynamic calls for its own spin-off show purely made up of the shocked faces each of them convey. Their one goal is to get the 411 on goldilocks but it appears as if this is going to be easier said than done. They both decide to force the ghosts to appear to them, something that sounds instantly like a bad idea to us but unfortunately not to them. Side note, why does everyone gain an eastern European accent when chanting spells? Almost immediately we are greeted by the familiar tropes of the early AHS seasons. Slamming doors, giggling children and the tip-tap of feet provide an uncomfortable solace for us devoted fans.

With recurring stars left to right and upside down, because they are ghosts, after all, the camera pans to Ben Harmon (Dylan McDermott) counselling fellow ghost Tate Langdon (Evan Peters). But seriously, has Ben never heard of working on your own problems before you advise other people? Madison and Behold enter with a flurry of empty threats about how powerful they are, only for Tate to walk out and Ben to refuse giving up information. Behold takes the words right out of our mouths and asks, “What else has he got to do?”. In fact, Ben has a busy afternoon planned as he intends to masturbate and cry while looking out the window. If this isn’t a mood I don’t know what is!

The next character we meet is the disabled ghost Beauregard Langdon who since season one has apparently still been playing catch. Madison is quite understandably horrified as Beau pounces on top of her and just as Behold prepares to banish him, his hand is stopped. Enter Billie Dean Howard, who you will no doubt remember as the hippy medium who seems to always end up in the centre of things. If this appearance was not enough to have you finger snapping at the TV, don’t fear because Sarah Paulson has one trick up her sleeve. The recognisable smoked filled voice of the matron herself booms down the staircase as Lange exclaims, “I am Constance Langdon and this is my fucking house”.


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Her house, her rules. #AHSApocalypse

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The pair of witches seems to be just as starstruck as us as they listen quietly to what she must say. However, we can feel Madison rolling her eyes even when she isn’t in sight. If she is giving up information, however, they must banish the ghost of Moira (Frances Conroy). Madison seems to have learnt something from their now dead racist maid LaLaurie as she has Behold dig up the remains while she stands smoking. As well as looking fabulous I might add.

We tend to get caught up with all the gore and horror in AHS that we lose touch with some of the more tender moments. As Moira is released to be with her mum I found myself shedding a tear instead of throwing myself out of my chair. Brava to Frances Conroy for stealing the show in a few simple minutes. Constance is now prepared to share her story, or more specifically the story of her demented grandson. To sum up the fifteen minutes of storytelling in a few sentences is near impossible, but the phrase lots of murder seems to cover it. After killing a babysitter, animals and a priest a teenage Langdon attempts to kill his own grandmother. We are only at episode six and already one grandmother is dead and another was nearly strangled, watch out Kathy Bates, you are next! Constance eventually kills herself in the only way she knew how to, drink a lot and take some drugs.

After excusing herself to attend to her eyeless daughter, yes I said eyeless, Behold and Madison are in search of more information. Minutes later we are treated to another ‘tearjerker’ of a scene as Ben “double clicks” his mouse while crying in the window. It turns out it wasn’t a mood after all. Ben had tried to raise Michael after his grandmother’s suicide but was faced with a whole host of issues. We learn through Langdon’s mother Vivian that the house is built directly on top of a gateway to hell. Nothing good ever comes when scripture is spoken over the X factor music, in this case, it is Vivian disclosing her son is the Antichrist. It doesn’t take a ghost to work that one out love.

I personally wanted an entire episode to explore the Satanists that visit Langdon, a Ms Meade is one of those said worshipers. In true Satanist fashion, they kidnap a pretty blonde girl and sacrifice her to the new dark prince. Bless Michaels excited face as they carved that poor girl up like a pumpkin. His expression was oddly like my own when I discovered Air BnB for the first time. Speaking of which, I wonder if I can rent the murder house for Christmas vacation?

As the hour ends, both Madison and Behold leave the house to return to a rightful and supreme Cordelia. It is the first time I have seen Madison look scared, and frankly, we are scared for her.

Oh, my GAWD moment-

If eating the heart of someone fresh out their chest wasn’t enough, then having a shadowy horned figure spread its wings behind you certainly is. The episode was packed full of jump scares and yet I still can’t get that image out of my head.

The character of the Week-

This weeks is massively predictable and still so satisfying to announce. Jessica Lange picked up right where she left off, showing us just why after four seasons away she is still the queen of AHS.

Quote of the Week-

This one goes to Behold right at the start of the chapter. As Madison complains about their predicament he yells, “And I had to put on khakis, so it’s been a hard day for both of us”. In a close second comes his clap back of, “Calm down skinny witch” as we can always rely on Billy Porter to throw some shade

If they were the last person on earth-

Madison said it right when she labelled Ben Harmon a DILF. Being a ghost seems to do a man good because after all those years he is looking more Patrick Swayze then Caspar the friendly ghost.

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