American Horror Story

American Horror Story: Fire and Reign – One episode to go witches!

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With one episode left to go until another season of AHS is wrapped up there still seems to be a lot of loose ends to tie up. “Fire and Reign” didn’t just tie them up but set the whole knitted jumper on fire, hellfire that is! Jeff and Mutt are complaining about waiting for their coffees and jump to the conclusion that the world must burn because of it. For anyone that has ever waited behind a group of school kids in Starbucks, this was a familiar pain.

Venable in all her purple glory demands to have a seat at The Collective but is quickly passed over by the coked-out idiots she works for. She then quits her job and it is a shame that Cordelia is not recruiting anymore, although after the next hour she might have to put the advertisement back on Indeed. The witches are hiding behind a protection spell as Mallory hones her skills in time to prevent the apocalypse but unfortunately suffers from some performance anxiety. Which we all would in her position. There is danger outside their front door and not the selling vacuums kind. Dinah in all her Voodoo glory breaks through the protection spell which allows Michael to enter with his robot companion. The irony of Queenie and Zoe teaching the girls a protection spell is almost unbearable as Langdon waltzes into the room. Then, in typical Queenie and Zoe fashion, they instantly fail to neutralise the threat by telekinetically throwing nails in his direction. Physical education is clearly not on the syllabus at the academy as Langdon impales them all by throwing the nails back. Poor Bubbles is the first of the core witches to meet her end. If the nails weren’t enough, then walking NRA spokeswoman Meade is ready with her concealed weapon (Concealed inside her arm that is).

For witches, they don’t put up much of a fight, no one even considers just throwing a glass of water over Meade. Mallory, Delia and Myrtle slip out undetected while Dinah reaps the rewards of her allegiance to evil. One season of her TV show, really? To betray all my sister witches and doom the world I would at least want one day a week with Ryan Reynolds. This episode confirms all my worst fears as Mutt and Jeff spy on Langdon through Meade. I knew the FBI was watching me google memes of people selling mirrors- seriously it’s hilarious!

The witches regroup in Misty’s old swamp shack, which sounds like a great idea for a quaint café. Misty herself is swanning around with Icon Stevie Nicks without a care in the world for her fallen sisters. Cordelia attempts to reach the bodies of her favourite students because fuck the others who died under your roof right? Unfortunately, Madison forgets to tell her that Langdon can erase souls from existence. She slaps Madison silly but all I wanted was an “I am your fucking supreme” in her best “this is Sparta voice”. The desperation of the witches is infuriating and they seem to forget they are witches and just keep looking for people to help them. I miss the days of Fiona, at least she would have smoked a cigarette to chill the hell out. Seeking help from their much weaker male counterparts, Cordelia and Myrtle stumble upon the massacre we all knew was coming.

With all her allies, dead Cordelia does the noblest thing and tells Mallory to time walk which could, in turn, kill her. This way, they could go back and save their sisters again instead of going on the offensive. As a trial run, Mallory goes back to Russia to save a young witch princess whose protection spells work just as well as Cordelia’s. Everything goes swimmingly until Mallory is blasted back into the future with bleeding eyes and her supreme who doesn’t understand personal space.

Langdon, the most ‘let’s wing it’ Antichrist in pop culture, assembles the Cooperative to sell his plan of luxury timeshares (Bunkers). The whole scene was very Star Wars, complete with Darth Vader masks and a plan for world domination.

Despite being crushed that this season will end next week I am looking forward to seeing what I hope will be the battle of a century. Although if past episodes are anything to go by it play out as follows.

  • Cordelia attempts multiple protection spells which fail of course
  • She continues to shout “I am the fucking supreme”
  • Mallory is still trying to revive animals
  • Madison turns to the dark side and moves to the suburbs with Langdon (I know this one’s a little far-fetched)

Oh my GAWD moment of the week-

Joan Collins is once again dead but still managed to look glam as ever with nails pultruding from her face and body. I wanted a Meade VS Bubbles showdown and now that dream is but a fleeting hope.

Character of the Week-

Myrtle was the voice of reason this week and the witches would have been completely lost without her. She coached Mallory through her resurrection issues and stopped Cordelia from killing herself to save the coven. Honestly, though, I love Cordelia but she is about as much use as a chocolate teapot right now.

If they were the last person on earth-

He seems to be ranking king in this spot but Langdon really… hit the spot this week. He finally came into his own and put that silly “I can’t do this” attitude behind him. I wonder if next week we are going to be treated to full-on satan or panicked little boy.

 

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